The best story you will ever read.
The best story you will ever read in your entire life, brought to you by THE WALRUS and a drawing of a Justin Bieber fan drawn by yours truly. If you like Justin Bieber, answer my question: don’t you look EXACTLY like this green-mustache-weird-eyed-thing? Yes, yes you do. I knew it. I should have my own TV show.
There’s a few things you should remember: 1. Don’t question my intelligence, THE WALRUS is a far superior specie, 2. I write like an idiot on purpose, it’s funnier. If you want good quality (but ahem, boring!) stories go read real books, like The Twilight Sagas, and get off the internet.
This story is about walruses, puddings, pineapples, wars, internet memes, and toilet paper. Let’s go back to before you were born, before your parents were born, before their parents were born, and their parents, and their parents’ dogs, and before Napoleonazipizzafais, and before humans existed, and before the EARTH WAS ALL, BOOM I AM HERE NOW DINOSAURS CAN COME TO LIFE AND PICK THEIR NOSES. Woo! You know, that’s all Dinosaurs ever did: chase their tails (or their horns, or their wings, or butterflies, or leprechauns, or…), eat raspberries every 55.5 seconds, and pick their noses. Archeoloshits and other -oloshits will tell you otherwise, but their minds and spleens are corrupted, so don’t believe them. Pineapples live in their eye-sockets, because pineapples are evil beings.
The first pineapple was born the year of the Shitapple (Year -0, for you humans). One fine Monday, the Earth realized just how boring and miserable he really was… so instead of, you know, going for a little space tour or going dancing with the Moon (Sun was too hot for him), or reading a damn book what he did was wiggle his non-existant butt and TA DA’, PINEAPPLES WERE BORN WOOHOO LET’S EAT SOME PUDDING! I made a really good pudding this morning before going to Rome, but I ate it all, so you can’t have it. I wouldn’t share it with you anyway, because I’m a meanfais and I don’t deserve this apple I’m eating right now. Apples don’t taste good anyway, so why the heck am I eating this?
… but anyway, we were talking about pudding. And before that, pineapples, so let’s stick with pineapples for today and talk about puddings some other day! Not that I have anything against puddings, I am half pudding, but it’s a much longer story I will tell you some other day, so there’s no need for you to curl into a ball like that and weep. WEEP. STOP WEEPING. STFU AND LISTEN TO MEEEE. What’s that? Why did Earth create pineapples and not peaches? Because Earth wanted others to suffer just as much as he was! Pineapples are EVIL and they make lots of people in the world cry every single second, forever! These poor victims cry for their entire lives!
The first pineapple’s name was Pineashiet. He was big, strong, and had a crooked-y nose and he didn’t like anyone because he was ALONE. ALOOONE. FOREVER ALONE! Even Forever Alone has friends, but not Pineashiet! No! Because he was the first thing to walk on Earth! Except that he couldn’t walk, because he didn’t have any legs! Or arms! OR A NOSE! So he was one sad, angry little piece of rotten sanitary pad. He was all alone for a long, long, long, long, long, long, ong, ong, ong, ong, ng, ng, ng, ng, g, g, g HHHHHHHHNNNNNNNGGGG A LONG TIME OKAY? Okay. Then one day Earth was all, “PINEAPPLE IS ONE BORING PINEAPPLE, TIME TO CREATE AN ENEMY FOR HIM SO HE CAN GO CAVE-MAN ON THE ENEMY, EXCEPT THAT CAVE-MEN DON’T EXIST YET, SO WTF AM I TALKING ABOUT. WHAT IS THIS, I DON’T EVEN-“
And so, Dinosaurs were born.
— To be continued.